As human beings, we generally have a lot of compassion for other people. Every day we care for our family, our friends, our co-workers. Typically, when we notice people we care about suffering, we generally respond with care and kindness, and a desire to help ease the suffering in some way. We are all equipped with the tools to be compassionate beings. However, all too often we do not harness these tools when it comes to ourselves!
Self-compassion involves acting the same way we would with someone we care about, towards ourselves. One of the leading researchers in self-compassion, Dr. Kristen Neff, breaks down self-compassion into three elements:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
This includes responding to oneself with kindness and understanding rather than criticism. People who are self-compassionate understand that as humans, we are all imperfect and sometimes fail, and respond to suffering or failures with gentle understanding rather than getting angry with themselves.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
This includes the perception of one’s own experiences as common and shared. In practice, this looks like acknowledging that all humans suffer, we are all imperfect and inadequate at times, instead of believing that we are the only person who suffers or makes mistakes.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Mindfulness involves holding unpleasant thoughts and feelings in a balanced, non-judgmental way. This means observing and accepting all thoughts and feelings, without trying to suppress or push them away, and at the same time not over-identifying with them, which can cause us to be swept up by negative thoughts.
MYTH BUSTING – COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SELF-COMPASSION
1. Does self-compassion mean I will wallow in self-pity?
As discussed above, self-compassion includes a sense of common humanity. This process encourages us to acknowledge that suffering is a universal experience, while also acknowledging that we all have an internal strength and resilience.
2. Does self-compassion mean I will be selfish and self-centred?
A common concern people have when first introduced to the concept of self-compassion is that they will become complacent, which would mean letting themselves get away with anything. Think about all the times you have punished yourself for not achieving something, has this actually motivated you to try again? Instead of self-punishment, self-compassion allows our minds to be more free of internal struggles, so that we are more able to take risks, try new things, and be there for other people. With self-compassion we often find that we can be a better friend/partner/son/daughter/parent.
3. I feel like I don’t deserve self-compassion!
Part of being self-compassionate involves understanding that our life experiences, our environment, and our genetics are not our choosing, and that everyone is deserving of compassion.
If you are interested to read more about self-compassion, a great resource to explore is https://self-compassion.org/
This blog was written and prepared by Hannah Gersh - Psychologist here at MWG.