When Grief and Death Come Up in the Media

Whether you are an avid basketball fan or not, I think it’s likely that you have heard the terribly sad news about the American professional basketballer Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna and eight other people who were killed on the weekend when their helicopter crashed.  The news and social media have been filled with outpourings of emotions, feelings of disbelief, tributes and condolences. What can be interesting in times like these I feel, is the way that these events can touch us even if we didn’t know the person or people at the centre of the event. I didn’t know Kobe and I don’t follow basketball, but my heart is broken for Kobe, Gianna and their family as well as the other families of those who lost loved ones. 

And this is real sadness, although it feels silly because I know that it is nothing compared to the grief that will be lived by his wife and daughters, family and his dear friends. So it brings up the question about why we can be so impacted by moments like these.  

I think quite simply we feel grief in these moments for people we don’t know because of our capacity for empathy. We can connect with the sadness and tragedy of the event because we can imagine what it might feel like for his family right now. I know for me personally as a parent, the untimely death of his daughter feels completely tragic.  But it also feels unfair that Kobe, a person so young, so giving, so influential, had his life stripped away from him just like that. In the blink of an eye. 

I also think it’s because celebrities can often seem familiar to us - we see them so often and we know so much about them. In many ways we’re sharing their journey. They bring us joy, inspiration and entertainment. And when they die, we feel the loss of their presence in our lives and the joy they brought, and this can leave us feeling really sad. 

Celebrities can also seem immortal too, Godlike, untouchable. But they live and breathe as we do and when tragedy strikes it is a jarring reminder that they are just people too - a striking reminder about our own mortality. Most of us walk this life believing that our lives stretch endlessly before us and that we have time to live, change, dream, experience but the true reality is that life is fragile and death is unavoidable. 

So what do we do? First if all it’s OK to be affected by this tragic event, so be kind, show yourself compassion and allow yourself to feel your feelings.  You might find it helpful to use social media to connect with others who are also grieving, write a journal or talk to a loved one about how you’re going. Just be careful not to dismiss or invalidate your feelings. You could also try honouring Kobe in a small way; he was always described as someone who was generous and kind, and he often spoke of wanting to inspire people to live full, generous, charitable lives. Perhaps you could try this out in memory of him? What’s something kind and thoughtful you could do today that would have a lovely impact on someone else’s life? 

The other thing we can do is acknowledge the anxiety that is triggered in us about the unpredictability and finiteness of life – our death anxiety.  And when this is triggered, try taking a moment to notice your life, to connect with gratitude and to sit with the knowledge that time isn’t infinite. Don’t wait!  Reach out to the people who are important to you and tell them what they mean to you, think about things you might be putting off and consider how you might take steps towards your goal today. Take a moment to be in the here and now, fully present, in your body and on this earth. 

And perhaps you could try this? Think forward and imagine yourself one or even five years in the future and imagine that you had lived those years without building new regrets. What would you have to change today to be living that life tomorrow?  I encourage you to be reflective with self-compassion, to think about what it is that would be different, and if you need support in the process of that, we’re here to listen. 

~ Blog written and prepared by Dr Victoria Miller - Clinical and Principal Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.

Image sourced from: https://www.goalcast.com/2018/12/28/kobe-bryant-quotes/