The frustrations of communication are incredibly universal. In fact, I think that most people can relate to the challenges of talking with someone and feeling as though we aren’t being listened to. And this is very much so in the realm of parenting. Often, the challenge of communication with children is raised in session, that is, how do I get my child to listen to me more? Or talk with me more? Or take my advice or do what I say? What these questions raise for me is that at the heart of things, parents have a strong desire for a deep and loving connection with their children and are looking to moments of communication to facilitate this.
The starting point for all of this, is with connection and feelings. And in fact it’s a lot less about what the children need to do, and much more about what we need to do – and not do! Children need to feel like it’s safe to have feelings, that they will be listened to, respected and validated. They also need to know that they can safely explore their feelings without criticism or judgement and without being told what to do. The following steps might help you move towards achieving the kind of connection and style of communication that you’re hoping for.
· Start with a non-judgemental, open and curious position. Children are so good at picking up on judgement and criticism even when it’s not stated explicitly. Judgement and criticism will trigger their defence mechanisms and might lead to feelings of anger, frustration, embarrassment, vulnerability or even shame. If this occurs their behaviour will change and you will have moved them away from communicating openly with you and into a space where they’re thinking not about the problem, but about their relationship with you. Try and see this moment as an opportunity for connection and relationship building.
· Listen quietly, make gentle sounds like “uh-huh” “I see” “ok, right” and where possible stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.
· Reflect what you’re hearing and give the feelings a name – “it sounds like you have had a really hard day at school and I wonder if that’s left you feeling frustrated” or “it sounds like you got overwhelmed and that made it hard to want to unstack the dishwasher”.
· Ask curious questions but try not to ask so many that they get overwhelmed – sometimes children don’t know why they feel the way they do or why they behaved the way they do.
· Give your child their wish in fantasy such as “I wish the kitchen was all clean too and that dishes didn’t need to be done, wouldn’t that be so nice”
· Ask them what they think they should do about the problem – children often have the answer and just need to explore it or receive your validation
· Ask them if they would like to hear your thoughts about the problem, but be accepting if they say no
· Finish with a hug, a complement or some words of encouragement
It’s worth acknowledging though that it doesn’t always go smoothly. We can try and reach out and connect but children can push back on us or use challenging behaviour which can make it hard to talk or keep our cool so that we can maintain the connection. In these moments you could try some of these things.
· See if perhaps you are accidentally brushing off or minimising their feelings but saying things like “you’ll be ok” or “it’s not that bad” or “you can just…” As much as these comments are well intended and come from a kind, loving place, it is much more helpful to teach our children to experience their feelings fully and to show them that their feelings don’t overwhelm us. We do this by asking questions, listening quietly and modelling that we can cope with whatever big feelings, worries or problems they have.
· Pick your timing – it may be that if feelings are very big that a young person needs to first of all have their feelings recognised, tuned into and validated but that then they need time to sit with those feelings and cool down before they can talk with you about what’s on their mind. Pushing too hard will lead them away from your goal of open communication. It’s ok to say “it seems like now isn’t the right time to talk, but I’m here for you when the timing is better and I look forward to hearing from you if you want to share with me”.
· Be careful not to get distracted by challenging behaviour. Children will often express their feelings through behaviour, even when they’re older and have fairly well developed emotional vocabularies. When we get distracted by the behaviour, particularly if we rush to punishment (“I won’t tolerate the way you’re behaving, go to your room”) we are missing an amazing opportunity for connection and to help our children understand and manage the feelings that are underneath and driving the behaviour. When you punish a child for using challenging behaviour because they’re afraid/angry/worried/sad then you’re punishing them for having feelings. Instead set limits firmly but respectfully on the behaviour that can’t be permitted after you have tuned into their feelings “I see how angry and upset you are feeling, but I can’t let you hit me”. Express your feelings without attacking them and their character, gently remind them of your expectations, brain storm with them about how to make amends and offer them a choice about how to do so, offer information about how to make amends if needed and acknowledge what action you have to take to help with the process as well – it’s not always on the child.
· Check in with the verbal and non-verbal language that you are using. Children will push back or avoid talking with you if they hear language like “you’re so stubborn” or “you don’t learn do you” or “the thing you need to realise is…” Also, have a look at your body language and facial expressions and check that you’re not communicating judgement or criticism or perhaps even distraction – even if it’s accidental. All of these things will make it harder for our children to trust us enough to talk with us.
Communicating with children isn’t easy, and like many aspects of parenting it can be a skill that needs to be learned, practiced and reviewed. But in my opinion it is a skill worth working on because when it works it’s wonderful! Dan Siegel, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are some wonderful authors you could look to for more information. But don’t forget, we’re also here to explore all these issues and more. To get in touch with our team call us on (03) 9882-8874.
Blog written and prepared by Dr Victoria Mille - Principal Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.