A people pleaser is someone who considers someone else’s needs ahead of their own. Someone who will do whatever it takes to make others happy. Sounds nice, right? Well, yes. However, while being kind, agreeable and helpful to others are all positive traits, there are consequences to being a people pleaser. In putting other people first, people pleasers have a hard time or often end up not advocating for themselves. Sacrificing or neglecting themselves in the pursuit of pleasing others can lead to people to feel stressed, anxious and emotionally depleted.
Do you resonate with any of the following?
Have a hard time saying no.
If you do say no, end up feeling guilty about it.
Agree to doing things you don’t like or want to do.
Feel like you don’t have enough time for your own responsibilities because you are helping others.
Pretend to agree with people even if you don’t.
Worry about people not liking you if you don’t say yes.
If so, you may have a tendency towards people pleasing. While there are adaptive qualities to being a people pleaser, like being thoughtful, caring, and empathic, it can become problematic when you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own.
Here are a few tips to stop being a people pleaser:
Set boundaries
Explore with yourself what boundaries you are comfortable with and be clear and specific around what you are willing to take on. Once this is established, make sure to communicate those limits to others. This will involve saying no sometimes! As this can be daunting, perhaps consider starting with small steps, like saying no to a smaller request.
Seek clarifying questions and take your time in responding
When someone asks for a favour, try to get as much information so you can consider your response. How much time will it take? When does it need to be done? Then check in with yourself - do I have time for this? How will I feel if I take it on? You are allowed to tell the person you need some time to think about the request so that you have time to consider your answer.
Engage in helpful self talk
Sometimes when our people pleasing tendencies are activated, our mind can get swept up in worry thoughts about what the other person will think about us if we say no. Try noticing these thoughts as thoughts, allow them to be there but come back to your values in that moment. Try to notice if your motivation to say yes is because you want to, or because you fear rejection or judgment. If it is the latter, try to choose what is important to you and let go of the sense of responsibility of how the person reacts.
Say yes if you want to!
If you do consider and realise that your intention to say yes is because you want to, go ahead! Being kind and thoughtful are adaptive qualities that contribute to lasting relationships. So saying no all the time isn’t the key to stop being a people pleaser. Rather it’s about finding a way to do things on your own terms.
If you would like to talk about this some more and develop some of your own strategies to assist with people pleasing, give our team a call to arrange an appointment on (03) 9882-8874.
This blog was written and prepared by Hannah Gersh – Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.