We’ve all been there. The day has been busy, dinner is half cooked, WhatsApp is pinging with notifications, there are work emails waiting to be attended to and we ask our kids to set the table. Our wish? For our kids to say “sure, I’d love to help, I’ll do it straight away”. But what often happens? “Why?” “It’s not fair”, “why do I have to do it”. How frustrating it can feel when our requests are met with resistance! So, what do we do next? Do we yell? Do we take the iPad away? Do we lecture them on the importance of gratitude? Well, there are several paths we parents can take, but I believe that one of the most important is a focus on the establishment of connection. Why? Well, let’s explore.
The Power of Connection
Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel connected to their parents. When we create a nurturing environment, it promotes trust, emotional safety, respect and a sense of being considered. Yelling and harsh demands don’t tend to foster that. Think about what it’s like to be yelled at or have someone demand something of us, how do we feel? Me personally, I hate it, and it makes me defensive. Why would our children be different?
so why does yelling backfire
1. Fear vs. Cooperation: Yelling often instils fear rather than respect. Children may comply out of fear, but this doesn’t foster genuine cooperation or understanding. You might get compliance today, but not necessarily tomorrow. Plus, your relationship with your children along with their self-esteem and mental health may suffer. Is it worth it?
2. Stress Response: Yelling triggers a fight-or-flight response in children, which can impair their ability to think clearly and follow directions. Instead of processing your request, they may feel overwhelmed and shut down which can be misread as defiance or oppositionality.
3. Emotional Distance: Harsh tones can create emotional distance. Children may become more resistant if they feel unloved or unvalued.
How to Build a Loving Connection
To foster cooperation, aim to connect with your child through these simple, intentional actions:
1. Stress Response
Eye contact is a powerful tool for connection. It shows your child that they are valued and that you are fully present. When you make eye contact, you establish a bond that encourages them to listen.
Tip: Get down to their level and maintain gentle eye contact to make the interaction more engaging and personal.
2. Get Down on Their Level
Physically lowering yourself to your child's eye level can make a significant difference. It not only shows empathy but also makes your request feel more like a conversation rather than an order.
Tip: Whether they’re playing or sitting, crouch down to speak with them. This non-verbal cue communicates that you are on their side.
3. Use Respectful Communication
Respectful communication fosters a positive environment. Instead of barking orders, use "I" statements to express how you feel and what you need.
Tip: Instead of saying, "Clean your room now!" try, "I’ve noticed that things are out of place in your room. How about we talk about how to get it back in order. What are your thoughts about how it could get tidied?”
4. Engage in Active Listening
Take time to listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings. This shows them that their opinions matter and promotes an open dialogue.
Tip: Ask open-ended questions and give them time to express themselves. “How are you feeling about your homework tonight?” allows them to share their perspective. “I used to hate having to do homework too, I always wanted to watch TV instead, I can really appreciate why you don’t want to do it!” validates their perspective and helps them feel understood.
5. Create Shared Experiences
Building a connection can happen through shared activities. Spend quality time together doing things they enjoy. This strengthens your bond and makes them more likely to cooperate in the future.
Tip: Play games, read together, or engage in a hobby that interests them. These shared experiences build trust and cooperation.
6. Manage your expectations
One of the most important aspects of building a connection, is remembering that your child is a child, or your teen is a teen. We adults tend to forget what it’s like to be young and can expect our children to think about the world and respond to us in the way that we would. But we too were young once, and didn’t want to do chores or our homework, or spoke rudely to our parents or forgot to take our muddy boots off before coming inside. They’re learning, just as we are as parents. Nurture your child through these moments, be curious about what they’re feeling, and remember that the stress we feel about emails waiting in our inbox isn’t their fault.
Tip: Explore resources on what to expect of your child at the developmental stage that they are at. This will help you manage your expectations and adapt your behaviour to suit their developmental needs.
Establishing a strong, loving connection with your children sets the foundation for effective communication and cooperation. By prioritising eye contact, physical proximity, respectful dialogue, active listening, and shared experiences, you can create an environment where your child feels safe and understood.
Next time you need your child to listen, take a moment to connect first. You might be surprised at how much more willing they are to cooperate when they feel loved and respected. Remember, building connections today leads to stronger relationships tomorrow.
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