Parenthood. Motherhood. Fatherhood.
The words themselves are heavy with expectation – images of love, adoration, joy, complete elation around the bond between parent and child. People often describe it as magical! Movies often portray a montage of happy mothers, smiling fathers. Social media is covered with photos of parents lovingly holding their newborns and celebrating familial milestones. But what if those feelings don’t come so easily, if the bond isn’t what it was expected to be? What if the warmth, joy, and certainty of parenthood is adjoined with feelings of fear, doubt, and distressing thoughts?
For many parents, the transition into parenthood is overwhelming. But for some, this transition is compounded by intrusive, unwanted, and distressing thoughts. Terrifying thoughts of harming the child can feel all-encompassing, leading parents to step back – avoiding bath-times and other important moments, fearing they might act on these thoughts. The fear of these intrusive thoughts often morphs into immense self-shaming and a debilitating life. A silent struggle.
Why am I thinking like this? I must be a horrible person. I’m an unworthy mother. I’m a disgusting father. I shouldn’t be around my child. The painful presence of these thoughts leads to avoidance, elaborate rituals, mantras, checking, monitoring, praying – the list goes on. These behaviours serve as desperate attempts to reassure themselves that their thoughts will not become reality.
Many parents who experience these obsessive thoughts and engage in compulsions such as avoidance or rituals to alleviate distress – do so in silence. Many fear that sharing their thoughts will lead to being seen as irresponsible – or worse, incapable and dangerous. The stigma around these thoughts and fears prevents parents accessing the support they need, when in fact, they are experiencing the gruesome and disabling war of Postpartum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (PP-OCD).
Sitting in our clinic, parents find themselves saying things out loud that they never thought they could – tears filling their eyes, voices breaking. I have thoughts about hurting my child. I have thoughts about being sexually inappropriate with my child. What if I lose control and hurt my baby? I can’t sleep at night. I can’t be around them. I’m so afraid. I feel like I’m going crazy, this isn’t me. PP-OCD remains widely overlooked in clinical settings—leading to underdiagnosis and deepening feelings of fear, shame, and disconnection from the infant. Research suggests that PP-OCD affects between 2% to 9% of women and around 2% of men, highlighting the need for greater awareness.
Despite how common it is, PP-OCD often goes unrecognised, leaving many parents struggling in mortified silence. Recognising the signs if crucial – PP-OCD is characterised by unwanted, intrusive thoughts of infant harm, whether through accidental or intentional actions, contamination of the child, or distressing sexual thoughts. The key factor in assessment is not only the presence of these thoughts, but the distress they cause.
In our clinic, we use the word ego-dystonic: meaning, not aligned with the true self or true desires. How do we know it’s ego-dystonic? Well, you’re distressed and likely doing anything to avoid that happening. The avoidance, constant checking, praying, seeking reassurance, lining up bottles – these are what we call compulsions. They are aimed at reducing that distress and anxiety from the original thought – because actioning that thought is the worst thing that could happen. It is so far from what you truly desire – which begins the cycle of fear, avoidance, shame, and self-doubt.
This cycle can feel unbearable.
However, these thoughts are not a reflection of who you are as a parent, nor do they define your ability to love and care for your child. PP-OCD is painful, but it is also treatable. With the right support, the fear and shame that feel all-consuming can begin to loosen their grip. Evidence-based treatments like Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) help parents face these thoughts without allowing them to control their actions, and in some cases, medication can provide additional support. Additionally, as awareness grows, more people are bravely sharing their experiences with PP-OCD through podcasts and blogs, helping to break the silence and reduce stigma.
Most importantly, you do not have to go through this alone. With the right help, it is possible to move beyond the fear and to reconnect with the child you deeply love. You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not crazy. With the right help, healing is possible.
If you or someone you know may be dealing with PP-OCD, understanding that these doubts are a symptom, not a truth, is crucial. Contact our team if you’re in need of support: admin@melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au
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Our highly trained psychologists can help. Please call our team on 9882-8874 to book in with one of our team members today. Alternatively fill in our contact form here to get in touch.
To subscribe and listen to our podcast “Breaking the Rules: A Clinician’s Guide to Treating OCD”, click on the following links: Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Apple Podcasts. Episodes will be released fortnightly and will simultaneously be published on our webpage here.