Quite often our clients talk about how unsupported they feel by family, friends, partners, colleagues. When they’re saying this, it’s not because they want to be the centre of attention. It’s not because they want to create drama. It’s not because they’re deliberately trying to make things awkward or uncomfortable. They just want to be heard and understood. We all do. It’s a universal need to feel connected, heard, and understood. If we all crave it so much why do we get it wrong?

Personally, I don’t think we get it “wrong”, I think our emotions make the decisions for us. When we are talking to people we love and care about, it makes sense that we think with our emotions first. This means that our responses become reactive and at times defensive. Later when our emotions have subsided, we often reflect and can feel regret or guilt for the way we handled things. When people we love and care about are upset, it’s hard to stay curious and observant because we feel those emotions and we see those emotions. We evaluate those emotions. It’s hard not to get caught up in the emotions. It’s hard to stay curious and it’s hard to be observant. With practice, we can really make a difference in supporting someone next time you see them upset. You can even let them know that you’re in new territory here, and that you’re going to try a new way of responding. You can even label your awkwardness to let your loved one know that you’re trying.

Next time someone is distressed try some of the following phrases and see how you go:

“I am here to listen to you without judgement if you want to talk”.
“I want to understand you. Can you help me by telling me more?”
“Take your time. I am in no rush. I can see that this is important”.
“What is the best way I can support you? Do you need help solving the problem, or do you just need to vent and let it out?”
“Would you like me to just sit here with you if you’re not ready to talk, or would you prefer to be alone and I can check back in on you a bit later?”

What you’ll notice in these statement is that they don’t carry judgement and they’re not focused on problem solving. They’re empowering to the person who is feeling distressed because the person can let you know what they need rather than us assuming it for them. When we communicate in this way we ensure that you both stay open and receptive to each other as opposed to becoming defensive and shutting down. If you would like to learn more about how to support a loved one, give our team a call to arrange an appointment on (03) 9882-8874.

This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec - Senior Clinical Psychologist and Director here at MWG.