When I hear the word break up, I instantly think of the end of a romantic relationship. This kind of break up we are all familiar with, whether it be through personal experience, watching it happen in a rom com movie or tv show, reading about it in a book or hearing from someone who is going through it. Romantic relationship break ups are universal and can be incredibly hard to go through.
But today I don’t want to focus on this kind of break up. I want to focus on a different kind of break up, one people don’t tend to talk about as much. The kind of break up I am referring to is the platonic break ups, or the breakdown of a friendship. While this is also a universal experience that most people will go through in their lifetime, I feel there is less emphasis out there on it.
This topic is something that has come up quite a bit lately with my clients. While it can happen at all stages of life, anecdotally I have been noticing that it’s really common in people in their early 20s, and I want to unpack why I think this is happening, and how normal it is.
If we think about friendships, our earliest ones tend to be formed in our schooling years. Whether it be through mutual interests and values, or purely the coincidence of being in the same place every day for years, these friendships can be maintained pretty easily. Fast forward to graduation, and the convenience factor in the friendship instantly disappears. As we progress to adulthood, it then becomes up to us to maintain the relationships with the people that we want to. Early adulthood is a period of much development and change. As we explore our identity and what we want to do with our lives, we can find that the person that we were in school, or the interests that we had, can change. This is perfectly normal! What this means though, is that the connections that we had with certain people in our past may not stay the same.
Perhaps there is a natural separation that happens gradually over time. Other times, though, there can be a painful realisation that your needs in the relationship are no longer being met. I often talk to my clients about the difficult nature of the decision to end a friendship. Often there is a long history, during which genuine feelings of respect, compassion and trust were developed for that person, and for a period of time the friendship was meeting their needs. It is a really hard thing to come to realise that the latter may no longer be the case, even if the former is still there.
Sometimes ending the friendship all together is not appropriate. Another thing I often work on with my clients is the renegotiation of boundaries in a friendship. No person or relationship is static over time, rather we evolve, and so do our needs. Setting or modifying boundaries can help establish healthy and long-lasting bonds moving forward. This can help avoid the potential eventual breakdown of a relationship if there are not healthy boundaries in place.
While this is a difficult topic to write about, and to experience, it is a very normal one that needs to be spoken about more. Talking about issues or ruptures in friendships is really important to problem solve how they can be remedied moving forward, or if it’s better to just step away. Putting in the work to figure out the best steps going forward can ensure you make the right decision for you.
This blog was written by Hannah Gersh, Clinical Psychologist here at MWG. If you would like to talk about this further, please don’t hesitate to give our team a call to arrange an appointment on (03) 9882-8874.