Anger has a bad wrap really. It’s considered a “bad” emotion. It can be a scary emotion if we come to think about it. It’s such an activating emotion that the level of adrenaline we feel when we get angry can feel scary and can make us feel out of control. The level of activation we feel when we’re angry can make us do all sorts of things to express that anger. We yell, scream, shout, and we can even get physical aggressive, but we can also shut down. Yes it looks scary, but it’s a completely normal and healthy emotion to experience. There’s nothing shameful about anger if we know how to deal with it just the same as any other emotion. Why do we get angry?
Anger is a part of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. It’s the fight mode out of these responses which is why our bodies flood with adrenaline when it’s activated. This response can get triggered by many things, namely things that are more meaningful to us. The more meaningful a trigger is the angrier we can become. Three common examples of when we get angry include:
Our needs aren’t being met
Our boundaries are being violated
We perceive a threat to our body, our relationships, our sense of autonomy, etc.
When we’re angry we don’t always deal with it very well. If we hold onto it for a long time it can manifest into many different mental health conditions. Ten reasons why we hold onto anger include:
Anger validates our experience
It’s easier to be angry than to be sad
Anger helps us avoid responsibility
We don’t know how to effectively self soothe
We learnt to hold onto grudges from others
Letting go of anger might mean that we’re letting go of our last connection to someone we love
We’re trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt again
Anger is activating, it gives us an adrenaline rush and makes us feel something
Anger makes us feel motivated
Anger gets a response and can often get our needs met even though it hurts relationships in the meantime
Managing anger is an important part of managing our emotions. There are several strategies that you can learn to help manage anger. The first step is to become aware of your triggers. If we don’t know what our triggers are then we can’t change our response. We can’t stop triggers but we can modify how we respond. The second step is to find a way to release the angry energy in a helpful and healthy way that is a private moment and that won’t hurt you or anyone else. Want to slam the cupboard doors when you’re home alone. Go for it. Want to scream into your pillow do it. Want to crank up that angry song play list and dance around to get it all out. Do it. Want to go at the punching bag at the gym. Yes. The third step is to figure out where to go from there. Do you need to communicate what’s happened and work out the problem? Do you need to talk it through with a trusted friend or professional? This one is a hard one, do you need to manage your expectations?
If you need support with learning how to manage anger, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.