Enabling is a pattern of seemingly helping a loved one. However, what seems like helping to keep the peace or not cause distress, is actually disempowering because it allows the issue to continue rather than being solved. This disempowerment occurs because it teaches the other person that regardless of what they’re going through, there will always be someone there to rescue them or make sure they don’t have to deal with what they’re going through. Enabling therefore allows loved ones to not face the natural consequence of their actions. Allowing this to happen can seem hard and almost cruel to allow, however patterns of unhelpful behaviours don’t change if enabling continues.
Enabling almost always comes from a good place. We hate seeing people hurting. We show kindness and compassion when people are hurting. When we see people hurt, we feel uncomfortable ourselves. When this happens, we not only want to fix what they’re going through but we want to alleviate what we’re going through. Ceasing enabling is challenging.
How do you know if you’re enabling? Enabling can look like:
· allowing patterns of hurtful behaviour (e.g., lying and emotional abuse) to continue
· lying for someone or making excuses for them to take responsibility of their actions
· allowing someone to relinquish their sense of responsibility by not paying for things or contributing in some way.
· making excuses for your loved one because you feel sorry for them
· giving someone money when they don’t pay you back consistently
· completing tasks on behalf of your loved one so they don’t have to do it for themselves and avoid dealing with their emotions
Ending the pattern of enabling is difficult work. When we try to stop enabling behaviours we can get met with all sorts of resistance and sometimes scary threats. Learning how to manage this delicate balance between sticking to your boundary of not enabling and managing threats and difficult behaviours can be hard and can at times require extra support. This can come from helpful family members or professionals. Our team of clinicians are here to help you manage this. If enabling is something that is causing long term difficulties and is something you want to change, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to make an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.