We’ve all heard of fight, flight, and freeze, but what is fawn? Fawning is the art of people pleasing. Hands up if you’re guilty of this one. I’m raising my hand here. Fawning is a recently acknowledged anxiety state where we often acquiesce to people’s requests because we are full of apathy, overwhelm, guilt, and/or shame. These emotions are often driven by a sense of responsibility for wanting to do good by others as well as a desire to be accepted, to not want to be seen as a bad person, to be seen as helpful, resourceful, capable, and the list goes on. When we feel these deep emotions, we often disconnect from our own needs abandon our boundaries and lose our sense of self. In our bodies we can experience a feeling of anxiety, emotional overload, intense physical sensations and sometimes numbness. In this state we essentially sacrifice our own needs to ensure the needs of the people around us are met. If we do this relentlessly and forget about our own selves in the process, it can leave us feeling resentful which eventually leads to burnout. Sound familiar? So what do we do about it?
If fawning is something you are guilty of there are three things that you can do to help you manage it, but you’re not going to like them because these strategies are very uncomfortable to put into practice, but they can be worth it if you practice them consistently. The first thing to do is to build awareness. You need to know who in your life makes you fawn (including yourself!), why you fawn, how often you fawn, how you feel when you fawn, and how your behaviour changes when you fawn. This awareness will enable you to pick up your warning signs early so you can then intervene and change it.
The second thing to do if you’re a fawner is to learn how to say “No”. This is hard, especially when we have been made to feel guilty or ashamed for saying “No” in the past. Saying “No” isn’t being selfish or rude. If you keep overcommitting and saying “yes” to everything how long will you last? Saying “No” is hard but the more you decide who gets access to you, your most precious resource, and say “no” to those who take it for granted or say “No” to activities that are not aligned with you as a person the more time you get back for yourself as well as headspace. Imagine all the headspace you will enjoy when you’re not overcommitted?
The third thing to do if you fawn is to stick to your boundaries. This goes hand in hand with saying “No”. Those who make you fawn are often the ones who will react negatively if you start to implement boundaries. If this starts to happen remember that their reaction is their responsibility, not yours. We cannot change or control how people think, feel, and behave. We are all responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. When you set boundaries think about what you want to protect and what is important to you. Is it your time? Do you need time to be alone for a bit? Do you need to ask for help? Do you need to delegate something? Once you figure them out communicate them assertively. It’s ok to be firm and kind with your boundaries.
How are these suggestions sitting with you? They’re challenging. The thing we struggle to do is often the thing we need to do to overcome an issues. If you need help implementing these and other strategies to manage fawning, or even fight, flight, and freeze responses, give our team a call on (03) 9882-8874 to arrange an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.