Yesterday I had the privilege of attending the book launch of a friend, and the afternoon was spent talking about the central themes of her book – motherhood, identity and finding oneself after becoming a mother. These lovely discussions left me thinking a lot about what it means to become a mother and I thought it would be an interesting topic for this week.
There is a lovely term we can use to talk about the changes associated with motherhood, matrescence. Matrescence is the transition into and through motherhood. It begins when we start to conceptualise the idea of having a baby and therefore, of becoming a mother. Matrescence then continues right through and beyond the arrival of baby. Some theorists suspect that matrescence has no end point, because of the many different phases of motherhood, and each new phase influences a mother’s identity and self in different ways.
Matrescence is a lovely term, because it sits in concert with adolescence, a period of transition that we all understand well. Like adolescence, matrescence is a period of hormonal, physical and neural changes, involves uncertainty and ambivalence, identity shifts and reconceptualization of self as well as a push pull between the different parts of self, including past, present, and future selves. And like adolescence, all of this can feel confusing, uncomfortable and can take time to settle.
Despite this, motherhood tends to be put on a pedestal and the ideal mother is conceptualised as unruffled, selfless and undemanding, devoted to family and child and self-sacrificing. They have an ideal body, they don’t ‘lose themselves’ to motherhood and they remain unchanged. This restricted view of motherhood is perpetuated through socially and culturally, and even though it is an unrealistic standard for mothers to try and reach, mothers feel enormous pressure to live up to these expectations. It is understandable then, that mothers often feel shame for wanting things outside of the family, guilty and anxious for not being a ‘good enough’ mother and shame for not being able to achieve an ‘ideal’ body.
But what we know is that mothers (and children) do better when they move away from these societal pressures and invest in the development of themselves, their own value systems, and their own goals. When mothers develop their identity and parts of themselves outside of being a mother, not only are they able to resolve some of the challenges of matrescence, but their children are given room to develop their own identities too.
So, how does one do this?
The first step is self-compassion, that is, showing yourself kindness for the challenges of the phase you’re in. Give yourself the space to feel uncertain and time to move through it. Be patient with yourself.
Try acknowledging the societal pressure that you’re experiencing and have a think about where those pressures are coming from. Social media? The things you learned and perhaps internalised as you were growing up? From your family or partner? Have a think about what you believe and what you can challenge, and what messages you can try to stop listening to. You might want to think about curating your social media feed to filter out unhelpful messaging.
Spend some time thinking about and engaging in hobbies and activities of interest. It doesn’t matter what they are. They could be things you did before you became a mother or new ideas. Have a play!
Try being spontaneous where you can. This might mean saying yes to something you normally wouldn’t, getting groceries from a new store or taking a new route on a walk you do with baby. Being spontaneous can help us gain perspective which can be refreshing and enlightening.
Make sure you are spending time bringing moments of connection into your day. This could be connecting with yourself, others, nature or animals. Try taking a few deep breaths and notice how you feel, text a friend, take a walk or pet your animals. Investing in yourself this way can help manage emotional challenges.
Check to see if you’re comparing yourself or competing with others and try to resist the urge to keep doing it. Explore your own values, hopes and wishes and check in to see if your journey is on track relative to your own goals. There isn’t one way to be a mother, so you need to discover your own way.
And finally, make sure you make time for self-care and for time outside of the family so that you can let your mind relax and wander and rest your body.
If you need support with your transition into or through motherhood, why don’t you give our team a call on 9882 8874 or visit our website at www.melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au