Emotions are rough. We very much are emotional beings first before anything else. We feel and then we think. The most obvious example of this is seen in young children who are trying to master their feelings. The classic “tantrum” is what I’m thinking of here. When we see a toddler expressing their emotions it’s up to us to help them navigate those big feelings. Describing them as “out of control”, or “naughty” is not going to be helpful. If we don’t have good enough examples of how to handle big feelings when we are young, we can grow to be adults who aren’t all that emotionally mature.
What does it look like to be emotionally immature? Emotional immaturity can look like avoidance of triggering situations, constant anger outbursts that are hurtful and harmful toward others, using drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, eating, gaming etc to avoid and numb emotions and pain, engaging in self-harming behaviours, constantly seeking reassurance or engaging in compulsions and ritualistic behaviours, struggling to maintain interpersonal relationships, struggling to maintain jobs, the list goes on. A lot of this really is likely described by an inability in being able to regulate our emotions. If we aren’t aware of how to do this or aren’t practiced at it, it can be a struggle to grow emotionally.
When we are able to regulate our emotions we are able to sit with a lot of discomfort. It can still look and feel messy, however we are able to stay in control to an extent and come in with a level of understanding to help us deal with and process what it is that is going on. Once we have taken this first step, we can continue to grow in our emotional maturity.
Emotional maturity grows as we:
Learn to face our emotions as opposed to avoiding them.
Practice being honest with yourself.
Embrace change. You don’t have to like the change as it’s not always good. We have to work towards acceptance of the change to see it for what it is. Sometimes this means we have to go through a grieving process first and that’s ok.
Accept feedback. This isn’t always easy to hear but if it’s given respectfully and kindly we can work with the person to help grow.
Make difficult decisions. Scared you’ll make the wrong decision? Not making a decision is making a decision just as much as making a decision is. Whichever way you go you need to deal with the consequence of what that decision is. Making decisions are not easy especially if it can lead to your life potentially looking very different, but guess what, we always get more chances.
Stop trying to save others from their emotions. We are supposed to feel our emotions. Let them be for you and for others.
Take responsibility for our own actions. This one is a tough one because guilt, shame, ego, etc can all get in the way. Once we sit with this, we can acknowledge our wrong doings.
Make reasonable space for people’s flaws.
Practice vulnerability. Be open about how you feel. Not in a way where you broadcast it out to the world for a quick dopamine hit. When we say be vulnerable, we mean to be vulnerable with people in your life that you trust where you can say - “hey, I’m struggling”, and have a real honest heart to heart conversation about it.
Building emotional maturity takes time and we often need support to help us in this process. To help work on building your emotional maturity, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.