Aggghh, how awkward is silent treatment? I’m sure we have all been on the receiving end of silent treatment at some point in our lives, or have even been the one to “give” silent treatment. Either way it feels awkward and uncomfortable. So why do we do it? and what are some other ways we can communicate instead?
Silent treatment is likely one way of communicating a message, albeit in a maladaptive manner. If we think about communication styles, silent treatment likely corresponds with a passive and/or passive aggressive communication style. Passive because nothing is being said and things are being ignored/avoided, and passive aggressive based on behaviour and tone of voice. When we’re on the receiving end of silent treatment we can feel confused, unsure of what we did wrong, afraid, defensive, guilty, ashamed, etc.
How we feel when we’re on the receiving end really depends on our earlier life experiences with silent treatment and how we were made to feel. For example, if you had a parent/caregiver who gave you silent treatment for not getting good grades in school by their standards, you may have been left to feel ashamed. If you were on the receiving end of silent treatment for choosing to go out with a friend as a teenager and not staying home with your parent/caregiver to attend to their emotional needs you may have been left to feel like you were guilty or afraid. When we’re left feeling such intense emotions, we can get defensive and angry, we can shut down, or we can feel like we need to over-compensate for our “bad behaviour”, which leaves us feeling like we need to be the one to fix it. But do we really need to be that person? Or is the person who is giving the silent treatment responsible for their own emotional needs?
When someone is giving silent treatment they are likely communicating a number of things, some of which can be:
I don’t want to talk to you
I don’t know what to say
I need space
I am not interested
I am scared of being vulnerable
I don’t want to have a confrontation
I don’t have the mental/emotional space right now
I can’t give you what you want
I have said all I can say
I don’t know how to be accountable for my actions
If we are not used to open and honest communication then communicating these needs can be challenging. If we were shamed growing up for trying to communicate openly, or if we were made to feel insignificant, if we were shut down, dismissed, etc., why would we want to speak up? In these instances we learn very quickly to shut down. If you find yourself freezing up in present situations, then you need to spend some time being aware of what is triggering the urge to go into silent treatment mode. It can be useful to ask yourself the following:
What is triggering you in this moment?
What is this situation reminding you of?
Bringing awareness to the situation is the first step for change. If we aren’t aware, then we can’t change anything. Once we build insight and awareness into our behaviours, we can then start to build our courage to express ourselves assertively. To do this we not only need to learn about assertive communication, but we also need to build our ability to be self-compassionate to help build our courage.
A lot of people mistake assertive communication for being aggressive. Assertiveness is not about being aggressive or getting your needs met. We won’t always have 100% of our needs met when being assertive, sometimes we’ll need to compromise. What we can do is be open, honest, respectful, and kind when communicating our needs. We then need to hear and listen to the other person, validate their perspective, and work together to come to a solution. Assertiveness is not about proving who is right and who is wrong. It’s not a power or ego trip. It’s about understanding each other, not being right.
Breaking lifelong communication patterns and learning new ways to communicate is a tough gig. If you need further support on how to do this give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.