The very first relationships we grow to develop are those with our parent/s. From the minute we’re conceived we start to develop a familiarity with what’s going on around us. When we’re born, we start to develop relationships with those around us. The way a baby cries, laughs, smiles, coos, etc all influences how others respond and is equally influenced by how they respond back. It’s a way of getting our needs met and it’s also a way of ensuring ongoing development. So what happens when our emotional development is compromised based on these early childhood relationships?
A child who was not able to develop emotionally can become an adult who takes things personally, who can be defensive towards others, who becomes passive, or who struggles to voice how they’re feeling. If we’re raised in a home where the examples of how to regulate our emotions wasn’t great, then this can compromise our emotional development. There are several examples of this occurring. For example, often a parent or both parents can rely on their kids for emotional support, they can rely on them for practical help around the house that’s more than age appropriate, they can be too busy or over worked, or they can be very unpredictable in the expression of their own emotions. When a parent or parents are volatile in the way they express their emotions it can feel unstable and can run the atmosphere of the household. In all of these instances, emotional development becomes stunted.
When we’re exposed to these types of environments as a child, we very quickly learn how to survive in these environments. We can start to walk on eggshells, we can lay low, we can aim to over-please, and we become very aware of triggers in the environment around us, including people’s facial expressions, their tone of voice, their behaviour, etc. We start to learn when our parents moods will shift, when they might give us the silent treatment, when they might make us feel ashamed, or when we might get punished. As children we are focused more on surviving through unhealthy means as opposed to being able to develop healthily. We don’t get to learn if it’s ok to even have the emotions we’re having, we don’t get to learn how to communicate our emotions, and we don’t get to know what we should even be feeling. We therefore learn that people aren’t safe and that we have to defend ourselves. This is where therapy can be really useful in helping us identify these patterns so that we can learn ways to help build our emotional maturity.
Building emotional maturity is important because it can have a profound impact on how we continue to relate to others as well as our quality of life. If we’re learning ways to become more emotionally mature, we’re learning ways to communicate more effectively, we aren’t functioning from a constant state of anxiety, we are more flexible in our thinking, and our inner critic becomes less intense.
If you need support to work out how to manage emotions give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.