There’s no doubt that we are emotional beings first. Whether we are aware of this or not is not always the case, but when we experience situations in the world around us, or when we are exposed to something in our internal world, we experience emotional reactions first before we think about them logically. Some emotions can be harder to deal with than others. This is certainly the case for guilt and shame when it comes to emotions. How can we tell the difference?
Well known researcher Brene Brown often talks about guilt and shame and how this impacts our vulnerability. She describes guilt as the thought of doing something bad, whereas shame sits at a level deeper and relates to the thought of being a bad person. Another example follows here:
Guilt says: “I made a mistake”
Shame says: “I am the mistake”
Pretty heavy thoughts huh? Guilt can make us feel all sorts of secondary emotions such as frustration, agitation, irritation, anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty. Shame can also lead to secondary emotions such as sadness and anger and can sometimes feel like our ego is wounded too. When people are made to feel ashamed for example, it can lead to a lot of internal conflict and can cause a person to feel like they need to avoid, be punished, or can do the punishing because the feelings are just too intense. Having a think about these two emotions, ask yourself which do you relate to more often? Guilt or shame?
The antidote to a lot of strong emotions can be compassion and acceptance. Compassion for ourselves is so hard to do as we are so often so hard on ourselves. Acceptance is also a useful antidote. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like a situation or even want it. It just means that we can see things for what they are. A more clear example is this:
Compassion says: “My mistakes do not define me”
Acceptance says: “I will learn from my mistake”
Learning to respond with compassion and acceptance takes time and practice. It’s certainly not a natural way of speaking to ourselves that’s for sure. We’re much better versed at times of being compassionate and accepting towards others. Learning to use statement of compassion and acceptance can be a useful way to help work through and process strong emotions such as guilt and shame. If you need further support on how to do this give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
To subscribe and listen to our podcast “Breaking the Rules: A Clinician’s Guide to Treating OCD”, click on the following links: Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Apple Podcasts. Episodes will be released fortnightly and will simultaneously be published on our webpage here.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.