Whether it’s the way we look, the way we feel about ourselves, or the the way we think others think about us, we all feel insecure. In fact, it’s in our human nature to compare ourselves to others constantly. These self-comparisons can lead us to fall into a low mood state, and sometimes even park there. So how do we deal with insecurities?
Firstly, to deal with our insecurities, we must first try to understand how they come about. There are several ways we evaluate our own self and others in our thoughts that can influence how insecure we can feel at times. Some of the main culprits and ways to overcome them include the following:
Comparing self to others. This is part of the “survival of the fittest” phenomenon whereby we don’t want to stay behind the pack and often experience some serious FOMO. Comparing self to others can create envy, which to some extent can be healthy, because we often think, “hey I would like that for me too”. However this can also be really unhealthy, where we can be envious and not want the other person to have something if we can’t have it. When we start to self-compare in the unhealthy way, it can have a really strong negative impact on our sense of worth and create a strong sense of insecurity. This then can lead to all sorts of unhelpful thinking patterns (e.g., “I’m not good enough”, “I’m useless”, “they have so much more than me”, etc.), which only add fuel to the fire. To overcome comparisons, we firstly have to acknowledge and admit to ourselves that this is what we are doing (i.e., engaging in comparisons). Once we acknowledge this for real, we can then gently start to be mindful of how these thoughts are influencing our behaviours. Let the thoughts be there, but instead of reacting to the thoughts, label them, and move towards your own values. What’s important to you? How do YOU want to live YOUR own life?
Only focusing on your own flaws: Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. Ever heard the saying - and pardon my crudeness here, “everyone’s sh*t stinks”. Well, it does. None of us are perfect. we’re all messily human and that’s the beauty of life. When we only focus on our own flaws, and magnify the other person’s good qualities and don’t take into account their own flaws, we can get stuck in a negative cycle just like what was described above. Once again, in these moments, self-compassion can go a long way. Using statements like - “I’m doing the best I can” and being patient with yourself can go a long way.
Being around people who tear you down: The people we surround ourselves with really can influence how we think and feel about ourselves especially if those messages come across as controlling and manipulative. If there are people in your life who are like this, then we need to establish some healthy boundaries. So many people hate this B word but it’s really one that can be incredibly helpful when practiced.
Speaking unkindly to yourself and about yourself to others: The way we speak to ourselves with our internal speech is crucial to how we feel about ourselves. Our inner critic can be quite ruthless in the way that it beats us up. It’s not how we would speak to a loved one or friend, so why do we do it to ourselves? That inner critic can be so harsh and it can feel so real. Did you know that a part of this critic comes out in how we speak about ourselves to others also? It’s a much milder version but it still has a voice. To help counter balance this try asking yourself this question: “If my 3-year-old self walked in right now, would I speak to them in the same way I am speaking to myself now about this issue?”.
Setting unrealistic expectations: If there’s a gap between what we expect and where reality sits then we can feel really uncomfortable about what’s happening in our lives. It’s useful to take stock and have a think about what these expectations look like and how we can readjust them. Again, ask yourself, what are your values? What is important to you? How do you want to live your life? What do you want to be known for? If you’re unsure of the answer to these questions, how can you spend some time to discuss them with trusted loved ones or professionals? can you spend some time exploring them on paper or in the world?
Constantly seeking approval from others: Looking for external validation can be risky business because not everyone has the ability to validate our experience, or even be supportive of our endeavours. Seeking external validation can also lead us to feeling disappointed, frustrated, sad, angry, and lonely. If we try to broadcast this on places like social media, we may get some instant gratification and an instant dopamine hit, but it leaves us wanting more and we can feel even more insecure about ourselves. When we reach out to a trusted friend, professional, colleague, or loved one, it makes us feel vulnerable, but can go a whole lot further in helping us feel validated and less insecure.
These are just some ways you can start to address your insecurities when it comes to relating to others. If you need support in managing insecurities or you’d like more guidance on how to practice these suggested strategies, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.