It is now December and the holiday season is upon us. It is often a very exciting time full of end of year celebrations and holiday festivities with gifts and treats galore. It is not uncommon for us to get swept up in the merriment of it all and find ourselves stressed and overwhelmed, sometimes putting too much pressure on ourselves with our gift giving and receiving, baking and hosting.
Something that I think is important is to be wary of the expectations we place on children, particularly in relation to their behaviour. Tiredness, overwhelm, changes of routine and excitement will influence their ability to regulate, and feel comfortable and settled in their bodies. Children can say things that are hard to hear such as “I don’t like it” about a gift they’ve received, or start to cry because their doll is blue, not yellow. They might not like the food offered to them, have a meltdown, or want to go home early from family gathering. Our job is to see these moments as opportunities for connection and teaching, rather than moments for punishment and shame, and remember that the choices we make about how we celebrate the holidays will influence how they feel and their capacity to be their most regulated selves. Here are some ideas to help you help them this year.
Check in with them. It’s always helpful to keep a line of communication open with your children by asking them how they’re feeling and whether there is anything they’re feeling worried about. Once you know how they’re feeling, you can design plans to support them with any challenges they’re facing.
Manage your own stress and expectations. Children are affected by the levels of stress we feel, so we’re setting them up well if we’re managing our own stress and expectations too. Being prepared ahead of time or not over committing are two ways we can keep our stress levels low. You can also make sure you’re getting enough sleep and rest, prioritise what is important to you and your family and work within your budget regardless of the expectations of others.
Have realistic expectations for your children. Having realistic expectations will help you and your children a lot, not just this holiday season but in all contexts. Children can be put under too much pressure and can be scolded for things that are beyond their scope of managing or understanding. Children will likely be clingy in unfamiliar situations, might not want to hug or kiss strangers, will need quiet time if overwhelmed, might not like all the food they’re presented with or all the gifts they receive. Children will likely also get tired, overstimulated, excited, disappointed, bored and anxious. Considering what they might be feeling and why and placing it within an appropriate developmental frame will support them well.
Use emotion focused parenting skills. Children, just like adults, deserve to be respected, listened to, and held in mind. If you haven’t used emotion focused parenting skills before, the key is to: listen empathically and take your child’s concerns seriously, no matter how silly they seem to you; validate their emotions sincerely; support them with the sensations in their body (e.g., take deep breaths together, rub their back); set a limit gently but firmly if needed (“I can’t let you hit”, “unfortunately we have to stay a while longer”); and help with problem solving if appropriate.
Provide some structure, where you can. The holiday season can be very busy, but where you can consider continuing with your usual routines or rituals or build some structure into your day. You might want to consider putting a visual calendar up for your children so they can have a better understanding of the daily schedule. You could also consider having 10 minutes snuggling together each morning before getting the day started, or keeping a ‘teeth, toilet, story’ ritual before bed.
The holiday season can be such a joyful, celebratory and exciting time and we hope these tips help you enjoy your celebrations. If you would like to know more about emotion focused parenting or any of the other child-focused parenting strategies discussed in this blog contact our team on 9882 8874 or email us at admin@melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Tori Miller – Associate Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.