How many times have you tried to apologise to someone and followed it with a “but”? How many times have you wanted to apologise to someone but have felt stuck and then avoided it? Apologising to someone is a hard thing to do because sometimes we don’t even know what we’re apologising for. Here are 7 tips on how to make a healthy apology.

An apology can make us feel all sorts of emotions. We can feel guilty, we can feel defensive, we can feel shame, anger, and a whole host of other emotions. When growing up in dysfunctional relationships, an apology is often considered an act of humiliation. If we have grown up in households like this, we grow up thinking that we just go on like nothing happened, and we avoid taking responsibility for our actions. When this happens, our behaviour can look like the following:

We invalidate people’s feelings – “sorry you feel that way”
We start to people please by overcompensating to avoid conflict
We avoid having difficult conversations
We go on as though nothing happened
We start to act in a highly defensive manner

While these behaviours provide immediate relief in avoiding the difficulty of apologising, they go on to create further hurt since they can affect relationships by creating a sense of distrust and disharmony. Apologising authentically is difficult but necessary to foster healthy relationships. Here are 7 things to consider when trying to formulate a healthy and authentic apology.

Make sure your own nervous system is regulated. You want to be able to be calm so that you can think clearly and hear the other person and hold their emotions. If you’re nervous system is not regulated, you can get defensive and then the point gets lost.
Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both talk and not be interrupted.
Be specific. Name the behaviour, its impact, and your role in it. For example, if someone is upset with you because they felt that you made fun of them you could say: “The other day when I made a joke in front of our friends, I was trying to be funny, but it wasn’t at all. I’m sorry I hurt you”.
Be open to listening without being defensive. This can be difficult to do especially if the person you are speaking with becomes angrier and defensive toward you for your accountability. You may not agree with what the person is saying but allow them to speak anyway. They may say things to accuse you of certain things. The hardest aspect of this is to just sit and listen and allow them to “get it off their chest”. Some people will say “so what I’m just meant to sit there and take it?”. The answer is “you’re not taking anything. You’re listening”. Remember it’s not you versus the other person. It’s you AND the other person. Ask yourself this question: “is this relationship with this person important to you?”. If so, then this leads us to the next point…
Focus on their feelings not yours. Apologies are centred around how the other person is feeling, not by how you’re feeling.
State what you will try to do differently in the future. For example: “I’m sorry I snapped at you last night when I got home from work. When I’m tired and irritable, I’m going to work on taking a time out so I can take time to regulate my stress because it’s not ok to take it out on you”.
Forgive yourself. We all hurt people throughout life. The most important things is to know how to effectively repair communication break downs through authentic apologies. If you’re feeling shame, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you’re doing the best that you can and that none of us are perfect.

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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.