Ah mindfulness. It certainly is a word that most people sadly cringe at or roll their eyes at. We’ve heard it so much and yet people talk about how helpful it is. So then why is it so hard for so many of us to practice it?
When talking about mindfulness with my clients I find myself often having to re-teach what it is and why it’s helpful. People come in with preconceived notions about mindfulness being a technique you can use to make you feel “Zen”, or to make you feel better, or to get rid of your unwanted thoughts and feelings. This is far from the case. Mindfulness is different to meditation, and it is different to relaxation. Mindfulness has one simple goal, which is to notice your experience on purpose without judgement while in the present moment. You know the internal voice that says: “I’m hungry”? That’s being mindful. You know the internal voice that says: “I need to put petrol in my car”? That’s being mindful. In these instances, you are noticing on purpose and without judgement something that is happening. It is also an informal way of being mindful. Meditation on the other hand helps you to practice the art of being mindful in a formal manner. Often when people think of mindfulness they think of meditation, and this is where it can become painful. If you have never paid attention to being mindful before, jumping into formal meditation practice can feel painful because you’re jumping in the deep end first. This can be common of most perfectionists. As perfectionists we see where we want to be, so we jump right in. We can do it right? Could you drive a car perfectly when you first started driving? Yes we can do it, but not right away. We still have to learn. We don’t have to do the hardest thing first. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
“But I’m not a perfectionist” is what I hear a lot of people say. Perfectionism is more than just aesthetics. It’s also about the standards that we can hold ourselves to, as well as the standards and expectations we have of others. Do you like to do things well? Do you expect to behave in certain ways in certain situations? What are some of the expectations you have of yourself at work? At home? When you’re with your family, friends, in your relationship? What do you expect of yourself when you’re showing up in life? What do you expect of others? What do you expect of yourself when you’re trying to engage in meditation because you heard that it was good for you? Are you expecting to do it right the first time? When you try to meditate without having done it before what kinds of thoughts are you experiencing? I can tell you that when I first started trying meditation my thoughts went something like this….. “Why can’t I concentrate? What’s wrong with me? Do I have ADD? Surely this can’t be that hard”, and on and on it went. Sound familiar?
Our minds were made to wonder. Our brain has a job, and its job is to process, including processing thoughts. When we sit down to meditate and bring our attention to our breath, we are narrowing our focus, however that does not automatically stop our brain from processing thoughts. It is our job to bring our attention back every time it wonders off while experiencing our thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are painful! This is a very normal process. If you have never exercised the “muscle” of your brain before, it’s going to wonder. Expect that to happen, rather than expecting perfection.
This learning process is hard to sit with when you’re a perfectionist and you expect yourself to 100% focus your attention on one thing. You are learning a new skill so it’s going to feel painful until it feels easier and until you have mastery over it. Is the pain of learning worth it. I think yes. Why? Because the act of being mindful is useful not just in formal meditation practice, but also informally. It helps us to learn how live in the present moment more as opposed to getting stuck in our thoughts and feelings about the past or future. When we’re living in the moment and we’re doing so non-judgmentally our experience of life changes. We open up more. It also improves our mood and reduces our levels of stress and anxiety.
To practice mindfulness, I would recommend starting with the easier steps first. That is, start with what we call informal practices first. Choose two or three tasks you do every day and try to be mindful while doing them. Repetition is important so it’s important to choose tasks you do daily. For example, you may choose brushing your teeth and eating breakfast. When you’re trying to be mindful while doing these tasks remember that you need to be non-judgemental. That means, avoid using words like “yum”, “gross”, “delicious”, “painful”, “weird”, “stupid”, “boring”, etc. You need to strip it right back and just notice the experience through your five senses. For example, while brushing your teeth notice the temperature of the water, the smell of the toothpaste, the bristles against your teeth and gums, how does the toothbrush feel when you’re holding it? Notice how the toothpaste feels in your mouth, notice what your spit looks like as you spit out the toothpaste and rinse your mouth out, so on and so forth. When you start informally with daily tasks you help build this muscle of noticing. The more you get used to labelling and describing your experience without judgement you will start to notice that you will start to do it in other areas of your life. After you have had some mastery over this, have a go at formal meditation if you like, or you can have a go at movement-based meditations like practicing yoga, pilates, running, walking, etc. When we break it down and make it simpler, the learning process doesn’t have to be so bad.
Our team of clinicians are here to help you practice mindfulness and work through perfectionism if this is a hurdle for you. To arrange an appointment, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to make an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.