Envy. It’s such an icky word. Why? Well, I guess we have so many negative connotations associated with it such as the seven deadly sins, and thoughts and feelings of ill will, hatred, hostility, etc. Envy is something that is often misinterpreted as jealousy. Let me repeat that. Envy is often misinterpreted as jealousy.
Envy is often confused with jealousy. People who research emotions for a living have teased apart the nuances between envy and jealousy and according to this research, a lot of us have been using the words envy and jealousy wrongly. In her research, Dr Brené Brown defines envy as being between two people and wanting something that someone else has. People often think this is jealousy, but her research tells us that it is not. Envy is then further broken down into “friend-vy” (i.e., friendly envy), and malicious envy. “Friend-vy”, is when someone shares something with you, and you’re excited and happy for them, and you don’t want to take away their moment from them, but you also want what they have for you too. An example of this is when your friend is showing you photos of their new house and you say: “Oh my gosh that’s so awesome”, meanwhile you’re thinking: “when will I get to have that too?”. Does this seem familiar? This example is one where people would interrupt me and say, “no this is an example of jealousy!”. How many times have we been in this scenario and said: “Oh I’m so jealous look at how beautiful this is!” Well, according to research we’ve all been wrong this whole time! This is an example of “friend-vy”, not jealousy.
I think the kind of envy we think of when we think of envy is what is known as malicious envy. Malicious envy according to research is when you want to take away a person’s joy because you want to have what they have, and if you can’t have it, then neither can they. This can look like making nasty comments or interrupting the moment in some way that takes away from the experience for everyone. Malicious envy is what we often see dramatised on soap operas. Malicious envy is unhealthy and needs to be noticed, so that we can work through it with trusted people rather than react to it.
Ok, so we’re starting to understand envy. What about jealousy? Jealousy is defined by Dr Brown as being between three people, and is the fear of losing something you already have to someone else. For example, you may have a friend you hang out with often at work, and a new co-worker starts at the office. Your friend invites them to lunch with you, and they seem to be hitting it off. You may notice that you start to feel jealous. Another example is when one partner in an intimate relationship suspects their partner of being unfaithful. In these scenarios we’re definitely feeling jealous with a whole host of other emotions.
We’ve painted a bit of a picture between envy and jealousy, but why do we need to know the difference? Can’t we just use them interchangeably? Apparently not. In her new book, “Atlas of the Heart”, Dr Brown goes through 87 emotions and why it’s important to understand each one individually. In her book she talks about how the language we use shapes our emotional experience. If we name the emotion we’re experiencing wrongly, our experience can get messy. If we give our emotions the right kind of language, our experience becomes less messy. This is so much a part of the work that we do as psychologists. We teach people how to correctly label and describe what they’re feeling so that they then know what they need to do with it. Naming an emotion and giving it language and space helps us to learn to work through our pain in that moment.
Next time you’re feeling an emotion, ask yourself, what is it that I’m actually feeling here? Is it “friend-vy or is it jealousy?” Learning to label and describe our emotions as they arise without misnaming them is a unique skill. If you or a loved need support with how to do this give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to make an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group. Please note that this blog post is not sponsored. We’ve chosen to use this is a reference to bring light to an important research finding.
Reference:
Atlas of the Heart by Dr Brené Brown. Link for book: https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/