I see all too often people invalidating their own emotional experiences. How often have you told yourself you shouldn’t feel something because of one reason or another? Maybe it’s “I shouldn’t feel upset because there are starving kids in Africa” or “I shouldn’t feel disappointed with my friend for letting me down because that wasn’t their intention”. With these kinds of thinking patterns, we are left feeling guilty for experiencing our emotions. But why should we feel guilty for having an automatic emotional reaction to something? After all, it is no great sin to feel things!!
I do think that social media has played a role in this. If we think about it, what is presented on social media is generally a “highlights reel” of our lives, typically on displaying the joyful and fun aspects of our routines and never really the boring, mundane, or painful. What is learned then is that uncomfortable or painful emotions are not ‘normal’ or common.
The downside of this is that our secondary emotions can make the painful emotion last even longer. For example, if we are feeling sad about something, and then guilty for feeling sad, we end up feeling even worse! We are so much better off learning to accept and validate our emotions than punishing ourselves for having them.
One single, simple word can massively shift the way we think about these things: AND.
Try it out:
“I feel upset AND there are starving kids in Africa.”
“I feel disappointed AND acknowledge that my friend did not intend to hurt me.”
In introducing the word AND, we give ourselves permission to experience any emotion that comes up. We also recognise that we can experience more than one emotion at the same time. This is totally normal, and part of being human.
There are so many contexts in which this approach can be really helpful. Think about any situation where you might feel guilty for feeling a certain way – a massive one that comes to mind is when establishing boundaries in our relationships or prioritising good self-care patterns.
Sometimes setting aside time for ourselves when we are feeling overwhelmed feels selfish, but what if we said “I need some time for myself AND I still care deeply about my friends and family” or “I can prioritise my own needs AND have healthy relationships with others”.
AND can also be a powerful word to combat self-criticism and encourage self-compassion. To combat self-critical thoughts around the current state of things, such as your career progression, mental health journey or interpersonal relationships.
What if you said “I can accept the way things are in this moment AND strive for growth.”
The word AND can additionally help us strive towards living a meaningful life that aligns with our values, even if we are feeling anxious. Instead of thinking “I want to go to this party BUT I am feeling anxious”, what about if we switched it to “I want to go to this party AND I feel anxious”. With this mindset, we are accepting the anxiety and making space for it, and acknowledging that we can still move forward towards our goals at the same time.
So see how you go incorporating this simple word into your vocabulary a bit more and notice if there are any meaningful shifts in the way you think about or approach different situations. If you would like to explore this further, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to make an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Hannah Gersh – Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.