Feeling angry is a normal part of the human experience, and a particularly normal part of being a parent. All parents get angry now and again and there are a multitude of reasons why.
Parenting is hard. Parents balance many competing responsibilities - the personal needs of their children, work, cleaning, shopping, cooking, education, and transport to and from activities. The responsibility can feel stressful and is often demanding.
Parents often feel sleep deprived and tired, can struggle to meet their own personal needs, feel depleted and low on resources. Sometimes there are additional stressors not related exclusively or at all to parenting – financial, relationship, medical, social issues. When you exist in a state such as this or are managing additional pressures, it doesn’t take much to tip you over the edge.
Children are also learning about emotion regulation, behaviour and choice making. Children can be self-focused, dysregulated, stubborn, slow, non-compliant, silly and disorganised. They are learning how to communicate and to manage their emotional experiences and require our patience and guidance through this very difficult process. But in the context of many competing demands, remaining calm and patient while supporting your children can be very challenging.
Managing your anger
Learning to manage your anger is important. Firstly, it doesn’t feel good to be angry and irritable all the time. But secondly, persistent anger is harmful – to yourself, to your relationships and to your children. Children need to feel safe and secure, to be guided and taught how to manage their emotions and choices, and to feel loved unconditionally. Children often internalise responsibility for their parent’s anger which can contribute to the development of anxiety and depression. Anger directed at children such as “I’m so mad at you”, particularly when it is accompanied by criticism “look what you did, you’re so irresponsible” negatively impacts self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. Further, children who are exposed to lots of anger at home are more vulnerable to developing anger issues themselves, disruptive behaviour, sleeping problems, social issues and mental health concerns.
If you want to get on top of your anger there are many strategies that you can try.
Learn to recognise your early warning signs for anger and put strategies in place early. Early warning signs might be mild stress levels, sleep deprivation, a busy week at work, irritability, poor concentration, noticing mild impatience, mild anxiety, fatigue or being a bit ‘snippy’. If you notice your early warning signs, start to act.
Daily meditation. Meditation has been shown to help improve awareness of our emotions and build our capacity to pause and work with our anger rather than acting out irrationally. Meditation is very accessible and easily obtained. Try Smiling Minds or Headspace to get you started.
Use calming down strategies. Once you have recognised that anger has been triggered in you, the next step is to manage the physiological arousal associated with anger. Consider 4x4 breathing, counting to 10 in your head, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding exercises, taking a ‘time out’ to cool off and come back when you’re calmer. If you’re with your child when you’ve been triggered you might want to let them know that you’re practicing calming down, and that you’ll be right back.
Consider the way that your thoughts and beliefs are contributing to your anger and whether you are engaging in lots of unhelpful and perhaps even illogical thinking. You might also want to look at your expectations for yourself and for others. Are you expecting too much of your children and not seeing them for the young, developing minds that they are? Are you placing too much pressure on yourself? Are you getting caught up in the ‘small stuff’? Are there things that you can let go of to reduce the pressure you are under?
Use humour and play. One of the most successful ways to manage anger is to join the fun. Children are good at play and being silly and they can teach us a lot about letting go and being ‘in the moment’ – and they will teach you if you can just let go and join them. Consider letting go of your responsibilities for a moment and join the game. Laugh, tickle, run, get messy, be silly. Not only is it joyful but it is a great way to blow off steam.
Journaling. Journaling is a wonderful way to help you explore and learn about your internal thoughts, feelings and experiences. It might be helpful to look at the experience of anger and what other feelings are accompanying it – perhaps stress, disappointment, frustration, envy, sadness or anxiety. The more insight we have into our internal experience, the more opportunity we have to attend to our anger.
Self care. Consider what you need, and take some steps to put those things into place. It may be simple, like a meal, some quiet time, some exercise or space to get some work done. Perhaps you need time with a friend or an adult to talk to. Self care isn’t just about bubble baths and long walks on the beach. Self care is about speaking to yourself with compassion, tuning into your emotions and asking for what you need.
Finally, consider getting some professional help. There are many people you can speak to for support with anger and the challenges of parenting. Consider your general practitioner, a mental health professional or a parenting support service such as your local Parent Line. The Raising Children Network has all the information you need to find your local service. https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/services-support/about-services-support/helplines
If you would like some support with your anger or putting support strategies into place, contact our administration team on 9882 8874 or via email admin@melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au