Difficulties with self-esteem is a challenge for many if not most girls and young women in this world. We live in a culture obsessed with diet and wellness culture and our mainstream media is super saturated with images of idealised beauty standards and messages about the importance of appearance. We encourage our girls to be ‘anything they want’ but we also tell them to avoid being ‘bossy’. Gender stereotypes are rife, perfectionism is celebrated and risk taking is discouraged. Research tells us that from the very young age of 8 years, a girl’s self-esteem starts to deteriorate. So, in the face of all this complexity, how do we help our girls to build and maintain their self-esteem?
Educate girls on how to navigate media.
Girls digest information from media through lots of different platforms. Make sure you are overseeing the media that they are consuming, be curious and non-judgemental and set limits about content that is not age appropriate. Spend time viewing content together and chat about what you see such as concerns about gender stereotypes, the way women are treated, old fashion ideas, lack of diversity and diet culture. Encourage them to curate what they consume and to make sure they know that they can disconnect from content that leaves them feeling bad about themselves.
Notice the language you use.
When spending time with your daughter/niece/granddaughter/student observe the kind of language you use when you’re with them. Are you only complementing them on their appearance? Perhaps you say “careful” more than you need to. Have you noticed and reflected their strength? Intelligence? Adventurousness? Are you using the same language you use when you speak to boys? Practice making observations about a broad range of qualities and characteristics that you see in her and other girls and women so that she can value the many different aspects of herself.
Expose them to role models.
Research tells us that girls and women are severely under-represented in books, film and television which means that most of what girls consume will feature a male protagonist. The consequence of this is that girls will mostly see girls and women in side character or love interest roles only. Girls can’t be what we don’t see. Make sure you chat to girls about this challenge as you’re reading or watching things together, make special efforts to buy or borrow books with lead female characters, tell stories about famous women such as Mae Jemison and Amelia Earhart. If you need some inspiration, Little People, BIG DREAMS is a book series you can explore, and amightygirl.com has compiled a generous list of content with female protagonists.
Encourage messy play.
One of the greatest things you can do for a girl is let her play. Let her be messy and adventurous, let her explore and test her limits, provide a wide variety of toys, costumes and play spaces to explore. Minimise commentary on how she plays, be wary of language such as “be careful” or “that’s a boy toy”. Let her follow her imagination, passions and creativity. Don’t be too quick to jump in and rescue her if she gets stuck or finds herself in a bind. Instead watch, wait and wonder. Let her experience some discomfort, let her problem solve, let her discover her capability.
Encourage mistake making.
Girls are often socialised to be good, conscientious, and perfect people. Girls are often discouraged from getting dirty and messy, are praised for being sweet, clean, and neat and taught to avoid risk and failure. The consequence is that girls will over value tasks where success is highly likely and will avoid tasks that carry too much risk of failure. We don’t want their self-esteem to be contingent upon success and perfectionism. Individuals with high self-esteem understand that ‘perfect’ is a construct that rarely exists, that growth occurs through mistake making, and risk taking can surprise and delight.
Model body acceptance and a non-diet attitude.
One of the greatest dangers to a girls’ self-esteem is the diet and wellness culture that they observe in the home. Explore your own body image beliefs, attitudes, and expectations, read about the dangers of wellness and diet culture and explore how diet and wellness culture presents itself in your family. Notice if you’re making a lot of comments about appearance, body shape and size – of yourself, of friends and family and on TV. Direct your comments about yourself and others away from appearance and towards other interesting and helpful characteristics. If you need support to explore these issues for yourself, consider seeing a Health at Every Size or non-diet dietician, or a psychologist with experience in this area.
Let her speak.
Spend time being curious about her world and let her share her experiences, ideas and wonderings with you. Practice the art of reflective listening and validation and avoid jumping in with problem solving too quickly. There will be times when you don’t see eye-to-eye or that you need to set a limit but first, encourage her to share her perspective and listen with openness and respect. This shows her that you value her opinion and ideas, that you are interested in how she sees the world and that you respect her. In turn, she will learn that she is valuable, worth listening to and deserving of respect from others.