How do I know they’re the one? Is this the right relationship? Am I in love enough?
These are questions many of us ask at some point in our relationships. Love isn’t always clear-cut, and it’s normal to experience moments of doubt. Relationships are complicated, with each person bringing their own experiences, vulnerabilities, and expectations. It’s only natural to wonder: Are we on the right path?
However, relationships, like life itself, are uncertain. No matter how much we analyse or plan, we can’t guarantee a relationship will last forever, that our feelings won’t change, or that challenges won’t arise. Love exists in the present, and we can’t control it with absolute certainty.
For those with Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), this uncertainty can feel overwhelming. This mind compulsively searches for reassurance, replaying moments, overanalysing interactions, and comparing past or other relationships in an attempt to find clarity.
What may start as a common and passing doubt can quickly spiral into an endless cycle of obsessive questioning and mental checking, leading to more anxiety, not answers. Rather than strengthening the relationship or offering clarity, these thought spirals and compulsions often leave individuals feeling drained and disconnected from what matters to them – a healthy relationship.
What is ROCD?
ROCD is a subtype of OCD that focuses primarily on relationships. It can show up in two main forms, which often occur together:
1. Relationship-Centered ROCD: This type involves obsessive worries about whether the relationship itself is right. People may fixate on the intensity of their feelings, question their love for their partner, or overanalyse whether their partner truly loves them.
2. Partner-Focused ROCD: This form centres on perceived flaws in a partner. It can lead to excessive doubts about their appearance, intelligence, personality, or moral character.
While everyone may experience occasional intrusive thoughts about relationships—such as “I’m bored with my partner”—ROCD takes these fleeting concerns and amplifies them. OCD often fixates on things we value or consider important, so if relationships are something you deeply value, your mind may latch onto these relationship-specific doubts more than others. Research suggests this intensification may be linked to fears about the potential consequences of relationship decisions, such as the catastrophic belief that being in the wrong relationship will ruin your life or potential.
What Are Compulsions in ROCD?
Many people may not realise that their behaviours are compulsions. A keyway to recognise them is by understanding their purpose: compulsions are repetitive actions aimed at relieving anxiety and gaining certainty, often driven by a sense of urgency (e.g., “I need to figure this out now!”). Compulsions can be both mental (thought-based) or overt (behavioural actions).
Here are some common compulsions associated with ROCD:
Seeking reassurance from friends, family, or therapists about the “rightness” of your partner.
Googling ways to know if you’re in the right relationship.
Repeatedly confessing relationship doubts to others.
Avoiding certain situations, like meeting other couples or watching romantic movies.
Testing your partner by initiating interactions to check if they’re stable, intelligent, funny, or compatible enough.
Monitoring your feelings towards your partner - how strong, frequent, or intense they are.
Neutralising any negative thoughts about your partner by recalling positive memories or their good qualities.
Mentally running through catastrophic scenarios about the consequences of staying or leaving the relationship.
Comparing your current relationship with past ones to test your feelings.
Over-analysing past events to determine something about your partner or relationship.
Spending excessive time doubting the relationship and trying to make decisions about it.
The key marker between general relationship doubts and uncertainty versus ROCD is the presence of these compulsions which are ongoing, repetitive, and aimed at relieving the anxiety associated with any uncertainty. They feel urgent, creating a constant drive to seek clarity or reassurance. This can feel like being trapped in a cycle, where each attempt to find an answer only leads to more questions, without providing any lasting sense of clarity. The more an individual engages in compulsive thinking or behaviours, the more they reinforce feelings of doubt and uncertainty, making it harder to break free from the cycle.
How to Break the Cycle: Practice Accepting Uncertainty
To break this cycle, the key is learning to accept uncertainty, rather than attempting to eliminate it or the anxiety that comes with it. Embracing the discomfort of not having clear answers is crucial in managing ROCD, as it teaches the mind to release the need for constant reassurance and compulsions. One effective and evidence-based strategy in managing ROCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This approach encourages individuals to face uncertain thoughts without engaging in certainty seeking compulsions. By doing so, ERP helps individuals gradually become more comfortable with the uncertainty surrounding relationship-specific thoughts and better able to tolerate intrusive thoughts related to their relationship. With time, this leads to less reliance on compulsions. And ultimately, more satisfying relationships.
Peace in Uncertainty
While managing ROCD can feel daunting, it’s important to remember that change is possible. With the right strategies and support, it is possible to break free from the cycle of doubt and compulsions. By embracing uncertainty and learning to tolerate discomfort, individuals can move toward healthier relationships - not just with others, but with themselves. If you find yourself struggling with ROCD, seeking support from a mental health professional can provide guidance in navigating these challenges and help you create a path toward greater clarity and peace.
Relationships are a journey, and sometimes the most meaningful connections come when we let go of the need for certainty and allow ourselves to embrace the unknown.
Disclaimer
It’s important to note that this advice does not apply in situations where a relationship is abusive. In such cases, prioritising your safety and well-being is paramount. Seeking support from a mental health professional or a trusted person in your life is crucial for navigating these difficult situations.
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