In the last week lots of children have been making big school transitions into kindergarten, prep and new classes. Big transitions are often a time of heightened emotions, anxiety and trepidation and can often trigger separation anxiety. This year after the challenges of COVID-19 it may be that more students than usual will be feeling strong emotions about school and about separating from their parents and so it is a good time to spend some time thinking about separation anxiety and how to best support our children and our students during this important time.
Separation anxiety in children is the very normal experience of a child feeling worried about being apart from their parent and typically begins at around eight months of age. For many children separation anxiety settles with age and might just return briefly at times of big transitions. For some children however separations are much more difficult and might evolve into a separation anxiety disorder benefitting from additional support from a psychologist, mental health specialist, school support team or paediatrician. It can feel very overwhelming to support a child with their separation anxiety because their emotions can be so large and their behaviour so extreme. The key to supporting a child with separation anxiety starts with understanding what is going on in their brain when they’re anxious.
When our children are experiencing anxiety there are a few main areas of the brain worth knowing about. First is the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain that drives executive functioning, and these are skills such as thinking, planning, organising, problem solving, reasoning and impulse control. Understandably this is a very busy part of the brain and plays an important role in both triggering anxiety and soothing anxiety. Second is the amygdala, which is like our brain’s watch dog. Our amygdala is always looking for danger and when danger is detected, it sends an alarm signal to the hypothalamus, which is the third important part of the brain involved in anxiety. The hypothalamus is a bit like a control centre and when activated actions the fight, flight, freeze mode; messages are instantly sent from the hypothalamus throughout our brain and body before we’re even consciously aware that there might be danger. Our heart starts to race, our breathing increases, our senses become sharper, we start to perspire, and our muscles become tense. The hypothalamus also briefly disconnects the prefrontal cortex so that energy goes into managing survival rather than thinking and planning. All of this is perfect for jumping out of the way of a speeding car or stepping back from the edge of a cliff.
What is also important to know is that when the hypothalamus receives a danger signal from the amygdala it triggers the release of adrenaline into the blood stream which gives our body the rush of energy needed to protect itself from danger. After this, the hypothalamus activates a second response system which tells the brain to release the stress hormone cortisol; the cortisol keeps the stress response in our brain going until the brain senses that the danger has passed. When danger is no longer detected the hypothalamus tells the brain to stop releasing cortisol, cortisol levels drop, the body calms down and the prefrontal cortex and thinking capacity comes back online.
So, what does all this have to do with separation anxiety? Separation anxiety is inherently a form of anticipatory anxiety, that is, a child is anxiously anticipating separation from their parent because being apart from their parent feels dangerous. They may have conscious worries that drive this such as “what do I do if I get lost?”; “will you remember to come back and get me?”; “what do I do if I need to go to the toilet?”; and “what if I don’t make any friends?” They may also have unconscious worries such as “will something bad happen to you while I’m at school?” and “will something bad happen to me if you’re not here to protect me?”
All of these worries are perfectly understandable and natural as staying close to one’s parents is normally very protective. It is understandable that a child does not yet know that school is safe and that they will be looked after, cared for and secure in the care of their teacher. As such, the brain may set off an alarm at drop off saying “DANGER! You’re somewhere new, it’s not familiar, things could go wrong, and your mum and dad are ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU!” The brain gets flooded with adrenaline, your child’s behaviour changes which communicates their stress, worry and fear, your child’s brain gets flooded with cortisol, their stress and worry stays high and they try hard to maintain closeness to you perhaps by clinging, crying, fighting, refusing or yelling.
So, what do you do?
1. Stay calm. It is completely normal for parents to also experience heightened emotions at times of separation because parents experience separation anxiety from their children too. Try and tune into your own anxieties and sadness before dropping off so that you can stay calm and emotionally available to your child when they’re struggling. Children will respond better if you’re omitting a sense of confidence in them and in their school.
2. Validate your child’s feelings but don’t try and spend a long time talking about it. You could say “I can see you feel worried” or “I can see that you’re having a hard time saying goodbye today”. Remember that your child’s thinking part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) has been disconnected so they may not be able to tell you why they’re anxious and they’re not going to be able to listen to you tell them why not to be anxious. Be very careful not to accidentally invalidate their feelings. Saying things like “there’s nothing to worry about” or “don’t be silly, you’re fine” can escalate worries quickly.
3. Have a goodbye routine that is loving and validating, but short. Your child needs your empathy and compassion but also your departure. Your child’s brain is going to keep releasing the stress hormone cortisol until you leave. It will only be after you have gone that their brain will register that school is safe and the danger has passed and will relax and calm down. Parents (understandably) often want to stay and soothe their child, and while the child might calm down initially, their anxiety will likely flare up again once separation is about to happen again. Until the parent goes, a child will continue to experience the a cycle of fight, flight, freeze. Have a loving goodbye routine that includes a confident goodbye, and then go.
Outside of the moment of separation there are other things you can do to support your child’s separation anxiety.
1. Write a social story with your child that maps out the routine of school including the details of the morning, the drop off, the day at school and the pickup routine. If there are particular worries your child has about school include them in the story and include details of what your child could do to solve the problem. Also include information about fun and exciting activities that are in your child’s routine such as art class or swimming day.
2. Talk to your child’s teacher and school support staff about your child’s anxiety at drop off so that they can provide you with additional support.
3. Children often have a parent that they have a harder time separating from, so for a period of time it may be best if the alternate parent does drop off. You could also consider asking a relative or a friend to help with drop off too.
4. Read books about school and about school related worries together at home.
5. Schedule extra time in the mornings to make the transition easier. Children take cues from their parents to regulate their emotions, so if the morning is organised and calm there is a good chance that your child will feel organised and calm as a result, separating more easily.
6. Make a plan with your child about pickup and the end of day reunion and where possible, stick to it so that they can feel confident about being reunited with you as planned later in the day. Children find it hard to be calm and confident when life feels unpredictable and uncertain.
7. Let your child choose a transition object to take to school with them. It could be anything that represents a feeling of love, calm and confidence. It could be a family photo, a (non-precious) object or a drawing you make together.
8. Help your child to attend school as often as possible so that they can build relationships with peers and staff as these relationships will support the reduction of anxiety over time.
9. Finally, reach out for additional support from a specialist if the difficulties persist or if you’re having difficulty managing the experience. Separation anxiety can be a multifaceted difficulty that sometimes requires additional thinking, formulating and intervention.
If you or your child is having difficulty with separation anxiety and would like some additional support, don’t hesitate to contact our administration team on 9882 8874 or visit our website melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Victoria Miller - Clinical Psychologist