We talk a lot about self-care and how important it is to take good care of ourselves. Sounds obvious, right? However, a lot of us find self-care really challenging, and I believe this is because of the common misconception that self-care means “I need to look after myself instead of others” rather than “I need to look after myself as well as others”.
A really important part of taking care of our mental health is setting boundaries. While we know the literal definition of a boundary is a border or a limit of something, in this context I am referring to the set of rules or guidelines that we create for ourselves in relation to what we feel is safe and reasonable behaviour. Often this is referring to the behaviour of others, and our boundaries relate to how we will allow other people to treat us.
Before I go any further with this blog, let me say that boundary setting is not easy! Particularly for those of us (myself included) who identify as being people pleasers, and have been so for a long time, saying no to others can bring up strong feelings of guilt and selfishness. However, just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we can’t do it. And in fact, it is really important that we do. Boundary setting does not make you selfish, it makes you kind because you have made the decision to take good care of yourself, and those around you that care about you will respect this. When you establish good boundaries, you are not only benefiting yourself, you are also giving yourself the best chance to be in a good headspace to support the other people in your life that you care about. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup!
So what are some simple things we can do to establish better boundaries?
The first step in setting boundaries is examining the boundaries that you have already established in your life, and areas that are lacking. For example, you might find that you have healthy boundaries with your partner, mother, or father, but not with your friends or co-workers. Once you have thought about this, you can start brainstorming what types of boundaries you would like to establish in these contexts.
Start to practice communicating your boundaries. This might look like saying no to things. It also might look like choosing to share some things and not others. It is important to note that you do not need to over-explain or apologize for your decision to say no, or to keep some information to yourself. Everyone has the right to determine the best decisions for themselves, and this includes you!
When communicating a boundary, keep the language focused on yourself. For example, if communicating a boundary to a partner, instead of saying “you need to stop asking me all those questions”, consider wording it from your own perspective, such as “I need some alone time after a busy day”.
If you would like to learn more about boundaries and would like some support implementing them, give our team a call to arrange an appointment on (03) 9882-8874.