Theodore Roosevelt famous quote: “comparison is the thief of joy” is still so relevant in today’s world. In fact, I think it’s likely relevant now more than ever, especially in the age of social media. Comparison is something we engage in often as people. We compare ourselves to others constantly so we don’t “fall behind the pack”. We can also engage in comparisons so that we can feel motivated to improve ourselves for the better and to strive for more. We can also engage in comparisons in unhelpful ways. For example we can start to compare ourselves to people who are worse off than we are to feel better about ourselves, we can start to criticize ourselves for not being as good or as accomplished as someone else, we can start to feel down and depressed, we can give up on pursuits, or worse, we don’t even bother trying in the first place. Comparisons can be harmful and there’s no escaping it sometimes. Whenever you’re scrolling on your phone, you’re likely comparing yourself to what you’re seeing even if you’re not aware of it. So how do we manage comparisons, especially when we find that it’s crippling us and stealing away our joy?
1. Watch your inner critic. Oh yeah, you know the one I’m referring to. That inner voice that beats you up. The one that criticizes everything you do and minimises all your awesome qualities and maximises the positive qualities of others. That inner critic can be so harmful because you’re listening and taking it seriously. Be mindful when this inner critic is speaking. Notice it and tackle it with self-compassion. You’re doing the best you can.
2. Run your own race. No one has ever run a race and finished it by looking to the sides and seeing what the other runners are doing constantly, or what the spectators are doing. Look ahead and stick to your lane. Run your own race and run it for you.
3. Name three things you’re grateful for on the daily. Practicing gratitude has been shown in research studies to reduce anxiety and low mood. It can allow us space to stop and think of what we are grateful for in our own lives rather than thinking that others have it better than us. Remember that people only show you what they want you to see. We never know what is happening behind closed doors.
4. Name three things you have achieved on the daily. When we get stuck in comparing ourselves to others, we can forget our own achievements. It’s useful to spend some time and think about what you’ve achieved. What are three things you have achieved today? List these without judgement. It doesn’t have to be massive achievements. Everything you do is an achievement. Acknowledge it rather than discounting it.
5. Notice your emotions. How do you feel when you make comparisons? Where do you feel it in your body? Lean into it. Notice the urge it’s creating (e.g., avoidance). Notice what your mind is telling you about the comparison (e.g., “I’m not good enough”). Allow them to be there. Don’t indulge them. Just notice them. Label them. Let them be and follow your values.
6. Follow your values. What is important to you? What do you want to stand for in life? Use your values to help you set goals for yourself. Your values will guide you when you get stuck. Your values will help you reconnect with why you’re doing what you’re doing. When you are stuck in comparisons, come back to your values to help you move forward.
Engaging in comparisons can be incredibly harmful to our mental health if we don’t monitor it and if we’re not aware of it. For support one dealing with comparisons, give our team a call on (03) 9882 8874 to book an appointment. To subscribe and listen to our podcast “Breaking the Rules: A Clinician’s Guide to Treating OCD”, click on the following links: Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Apple Podcasts. Episodes will be released fortnightly and will simultaneously be published on our webpage here.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.