Why do we feel like we have to do it all and all at once? I think we easily fall into the trap of feeling like we need to do it all, and all at once because of avenues like social media. Every time we see the “super mum” or “super dad” on Instagram or Facebook seemingly do it all, we start to compare and feel resentful. We think, “why can’t I do that?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, “why can’t my kids be so placid and calm like their kids?”, “I’m a failure as a parent”. See what happened here? We went from zero to hundred by saying: “why can’t I do that” and went to: “I’m a failure as a parent”. This type of comparison and black and white thinking is what gets us into trouble and feeling as though we need to do it all at once. But why?
As humans we often compare ourselves to others. Sometimes this can be a good thing because it means that we can improve and better ourselves. When we network and use helpful supports to help us achieve our goals that are in line with our values, we can feel really good about ourselves. We may look at others and think “you know, I’d like that for myself one day”. However, it doesn’t always work this way. Sometimes when we compare ourselves to others, we start to feel discouraged, depressed, and sad. When this happens it’s because we magnify the good qualities of others and we minimize our own. At the same time, we minimize the not so good qualities of others and magnify our own. When we do this, we start to believe the narrative that we are not good enough. We’re a not good enough parent, brother, sister, wife, husband, friend, boss, colleague, etc. You get the drift. Once we start thinking this way, we can start to feel resentful, judgemental, and we can become competitive. Once we start to feel this way, we either over-compensate by trying to compete which drives this need to be able to do it all, or we can start to avoid and then become despondent. Either way, the idea of needing to do it all which stems from comparisons with others can negatively impact our thoughts and feelings which leads to unhelpful behaviours (i.e., avoidance or over-compensating).
How do I manage this overwhelming feeling of needing to do it all?
Firstly, we need to monitor our thinking. Are you engaging in frequent comparisons? Are you magnifying their qualities and minimizing your own? Are you engaging in black and white thinking? If you answered yes, then you need to try to be more compassionate toward yourself. Go easy and gentle because you’re the one who is hearing how you are speaking to yourself.
Secondly, spend less time on social media. Social media is an intense breeding ground for comparisons. All that mindless scrolling through social media can seem innocent but really, it’s not. We are subconsciously consuming so much information and comparing ourselves without even realising it. If you monitor your use then you can also gain a more balanced view on what’s normal and what’s not because let’s be honest, what we see on social media is only a glimpse and one moment in time. It’s not a true representation of real life.
Lastly, acknowledge that no matter how hard we try to do it all, we simply cannot. We can do it all but not all at once. We need to pace ourselves. Why do we need to do it all anyway? If we are trying to do it all we’re actually not being present. When we’re not being present in the moment then we’re not truly engaging in the world around us and we’re not truly engaging with our family, friends, colleagues. Just because some people seem like they’re doing it all, it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.
Being a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. If you’re struggling and need support get in touch with our team for parenting support. Give us a call on (03) 9882-8874 to arrange an appointment.
This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec - Clinical Psychologist and Director at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.