Life is full of moments that challenge us—difficult emotions, unwelcome thoughts, and experiences we’d rather avoid. When these arise, our natural instinct is often to push them away, to resist what we don’t want to feel or face. But what if this resistance is precisely what makes our struggles harder to bear? Steven Hayes, in his work “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)”, offers an alternative: acceptance.
Hayes’ approach is rooted in a simple yet profound idea—what we resist often persists. The more we try to avoid painful emotions, the more entangled we become in them. In his book, Hayes invites us to take a different stance. Instead of battling with our inner experiences, we can choose to open up to them, to make space for them, and in doing so, reduce their grip on us. This is the essence of acceptance.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or resigning ourselves to a life of discomfort. Rather, it’s about acknowledging that pain, fear, and uncertainty are inevitable parts of being human. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. And often, the healthiest response is not to fight what we cannot change but to accept it as part of our journey.
Imagine being caught in quicksand. Struggling, flailing, and resisting only pulls you deeper. But if you stop fighting and allow yourself to relax, you float. In much the same way, when we stop wrestling with difficult emotions or thoughts, we find they lose their power over us. Acceptance offers us the space to breathe, to process, and ultimately to move forward more effectively.
Steven Hayes highlights that acceptance is not passive. It’s an active process of turning towards our experience with openness and curiosity. We learn to notice our thoughts and feelings without getting swept away by them. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel anxious,” we might say, “I notice anxiety is here.” This shift allows us to break the cycle of avoidance and resistance, enabling us to live more fully and authentically.
At the heart of this practice is the idea of cognitive defusion—learning to step back from our thoughts and view them as simply that: thoughts. Too often, we become fused with the stories our minds tell us. We believe that a fleeting thought of failure means we are destined to fail, or that feeling anxious means something is fundamentally wrong with us. Acceptance teaches us to see thoughts for what they are—temporary, often inaccurate, and not necessarily reflective of reality.
Hayes also emphasises the importance of committing to actions that align with our values, regardless of how we feel in the moment. Acceptance is not about waiting until we feel “better” to start living the life we want. It’s about recognising that difficult emotions don’t need to hold us back. By accepting them and committing to valued action, we can live with purpose, even in the face of discomfort.
This approach is liberating because it frees us from the endless quest to “fix” ourselves. The reality is, there’s nothing broken. Human emotions—both pleasant and unpleasant—are part of the full spectrum of life. By accepting them rather than fighting them, we create room for growth, connection, and meaning. As Hayes puts it, “The goal is not to get rid of the storm but to learn to dance in the rain.” Acceptance gives us the tools to dance through life’s challenges without being paralysed by fear, sadness, or pain. It encourages us to live more expansively, guided by what truly matters, rather than trapped by what we’d rather avoid. In embracing acceptance, we learn that it is possible to live a rich and meaningful life, even when the road gets tough. Acceptance isn’t a surrender—it’s a powerful act of courage, a commitment to face life head-on, and a path towards genuine freedom.
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Celin Gelgec – Clinic Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.