The end of the year is near, and this can be an exciting time. For many of us the end of the year represents a much deserved break from work, having some down time to rest and recover, catching up with family and friends over the holidays and hopefully enjoying some warm weather! Particularly after the past few years, still dealing with the ramifications of the pandemic, saying goodbye to another year can be relieving, and we welcome in a new one with hope and enthusiasm.
Do we really need to be making new year’s resolutions?
At the end of every year, we get into this mindset of starting fresh and feeling hopeful, only to be bitterly disappointed by the time March rolls around because we haven’t been able to maintain anything we set our minds to. Why do we do this year after year? Why do we even bother with trying to set new year’s resolutions while trying to convince ourselves that this year is going to be “our year”?
Helping Your Children with Their Emotions this Holiday Season
It is now December and the holiday season is upon us. It is often a very exciting time full of end of year celebrations and holiday festivities with gifts and treats galore. It is not uncommon for us to get swept up in the merriment of it all and find ourselves stressed and overwhelmed, sometimes putting too much pressure on ourselves with our gift giving and receiving, baking and hosting.
Something that I think is important is to be wary of the expectations we place on children, particularly in relation to their behaviour. Tiredness, overwhelm, changes of routine and excitement will influence their ability to regulate, and feel comfortable and settled in their bodies. Children can say things that are hard to hear such as “I don’t like it” about a gift they’ve received, or start to cry because their doll is blue, not yellow. They might not like the food offered to them, have a meltdown, or want to go home early from family gathering. Our job is to see these moments as opportunities for connection and teaching, rather than moments for punishment and shame, and remember that the choices we make about how we celebrate the holidays will influence how they feel and their capacity to be their most regulated selves. Here are some ideas to help you help them this year.
Check in with them. It’s always helpful to keep a line of communication open with your children by asking them how they’re feeling and whether there is anything they’re feeling worried about. Once you know how they’re feeling, you can design plans to support them with any challenges they’re facing.
Manage your own stress and expectations. Children are affected by the levels of stress we feel, so we’re setting them up well if we’re managing our own stress and expectations too. Being prepared ahead of time or not over committing are two ways we can keep our stress levels low. You can also make sure you’re getting enough sleep and rest, prioritise what is important to you and your family and work within your budget regardless of the expectations of others.
Have realistic expectations for your children. Having realistic expectations will help you and your children a lot, not just this holiday season but in all contexts. Children can be put under too much pressure and can be scolded for things that are beyond their scope of managing or understanding. Children will likely be clingy in unfamiliar situations, might not want to hug or kiss strangers, will need quiet time if overwhelmed, might not like all the food they’re presented with or all the gifts they receive. Children will likely also get tired, overstimulated, excited, disappointed, bored and anxious. Considering what they might be feeling and why and placing it within an appropriate developmental frame will support them well.
Use emotion focused parenting skills. Children, just like adults, deserve to be respected, listened to, and held in mind. If you haven’t used emotion focused parenting skills before, the key is to: listen empathically and take your child’s concerns seriously, no matter how silly they seem to you; validate their emotions sincerely; support them with the sensations in their body (e.g., take deep breaths together, rub their back); set a limit gently but firmly if needed (“I can’t let you hit”, “unfortunately we have to stay a while longer”); and help with problem solving if appropriate.
Provide some structure, where you can. The holiday season can be very busy, but where you can consider continuing with your usual routines or rituals or build some structure into your day. You might want to consider putting a visual calendar up for your children so they can have a better understanding of the daily schedule. You could also consider having 10 minutes snuggling together each morning before getting the day started, or keeping a ‘teeth, toilet, story’ ritual before bed.
The holiday season can be such a joyful, celebratory and exciting time and we hope these tips help you enjoy your celebrations. If you would like to know more about emotion focused parenting or any of the other child-focused parenting strategies discussed in this blog contact our team on 9882 8874 or email us at admin@melbournewellbeinggroup.com.au
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This blog was written and prepared by Dr Tori Miller – Associate Director and Clinical Psychologist at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.
Did I make the right decision?
Have you ever made a decision and instantly felt bad? Have you ever thought that you made the wrong one? We make several decisions every single day from what we are going to wear that day and eat, to possibly making life altering decisions. Sometimes decisions feel good and leave us with a sense of closure and comfort. Sometimes we feel like we made the wrong decision. However, the way we interpret our feelings is not always accurate so it’s important to pause, reflect, and ask yourself: “what is this feeling telling me right now?”. Thinking about it in this way helps us put language to what we are experiencing that is accurate. When we don’t use language accurately to describe what we are feeling it can really shape our experience and we can misinterpret it. This happens often when it comes to decision making because sometimes some decisions can make us feel “bad”, but it does not mean that you have made the wrong decision. Here are some examples of when that may be the case.
When some things are better left unsaid
Communication is part of our daily lives. We communicate through our body language, through our words, through media and technology, and even through our silence. Oftentimes we advocate for our clients to speak up and to be assertive to express their needs, however sometimes somethings are better left unsaid. So, when do we speak up and when do we choose not to say anything?
When life gets 'Trichy'
Most people could say they have picked at their skin or pulled at their hair from time to time. If you engage in either or both of these activities excessively, with repeated but unsuccessful attempts to stop which can cause significant impairment or disruption to your functioning, you may or may not realise that there is a name for this. Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours, or BFRBs, describe a cluster of behaviours including habitual hair pulling, skin picking, nail biting, nose picking, and lip or cheek biting.